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FOOD & DRINK JOKES...

Pro Tip: Before consuming alcohol, eat liver for dinner... The alcohol won't know which liver to attack...

Pros of wearing all black: I look bad#$$ Cons: Every always knows when I eat powdered donuts...

Whoever thought of appetizers was literally like, "We should pregame this food with more food." And I think that's really beautiful...

I gave my wife an apple, but she said she prefers pears... So I gave her another apple...

I realize pub crawls are a great idea... But a bakery crawl has a lot of potential...

First person to eat a banana: "This is not good." First Person to peel a banana: "Dude, guess what?"

Have we tried naming kids other cheeses, or did we just stop at Brie?

If Cauliflower can become pizza crust, you can do anything!

My wife always wants me to join her at church, but I think I found my own... Peace Brie with you...

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but adding more cheese than a recipe calls for has never been one of them...

Stealing mail can result in a $500 fine, up to 1 year imprisonment, or both... THIS SIDE UP PLEASE CHEESECAKE FRAGILE This was delivered to my house by mistake... and I feel God is testing me...

"Adulting" is putting back a pack of chicken for $12.78 in exchange for the $12.32 pack...

Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree... That makes it a plant... Chocolate is a salad...

When I cook with cilantro, I add soft soap... So no one feels genetically superior to anyone else...

If by "Clubbing" you mean sandwiches, then yes, I love clubbing!

Hey Coca-Cola?... No more new flavors... Either put the Cocaine back in, or leave it alone...

Coconuts are mammals because they have hair and produce milk... Discuss.

(Me eating cookie dough at 8am) My wife: Isn't it too early to be eating that? Me: (annoyed) What time do stomach's open, tell me?

Has anyone ever really gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people trying to stop me from living my best life?

Eat dessert first... You never know when the world is gonna end...

Did you hear the government is putting chips inside people? Hope I get Doritos...

If life gives you melons... You might be dyslexic...

Cenosillicaphobia ... Is the fear of an empty beer glass...

"Here's some flour... in the worst possible container... f#ck you." -Flour companies

Grape soda doesn't even taste like grapes... but it sure does taste like purple...

Maybe "Hot Chocolate" would like to be called "Beautiful Chocolate" once in a while...

I wish I invented hot cakes... Because look how those sold...

KFC worker: Breast or Thigh? Me: Personality!

Are we supposed to pray over leftovers? "Lord, it's me again... with this chili...

Limp Bizkit!

Imagine one day if we unlock the other 98% of milk...

Will you marry me? I have a ring. I have a ring of onions.

Oreos are Vegan... Unless you eat them right...

I thought about going on an all peanut diet once... But that's just nuts...

The biggest lie known to man... PEEL HERE

I thought it would be funny to name a restaurant Pho King Noodles... But now, I want it to be open 24 hours and call it 20 pho 7...

I recently read an article that Pineapples are the chosen fruit for Cocaine Smugglers... I bet the argument if it belongs on pizza now has some adopters...

See how the tables have turned....

Pizza rolls are just spaghetti flavored Tide Pods...

After 4 shots of whiskey... Now's the time to tell people what you really think...

You should piss in that closet!... -Whiskey

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worcestershire sauce? ...

When you make a cake but don't want to share... FIND THE TOENAIL

My wife asked me why we ordered pizza instead of the stew she wanted... I sent her this... I just couldn't cut him...

When you compare the size of a gummy worm to a gummy bear, it paints a horrifying picture of the gummy universe...

I didn't think Vodka would help my problems... But it was worth a shot...

Weird laws: In Vermont, it is illegal to offer a stranger fried chicken on a holiday...

Inventor of Sparkling water: "Water is so good, but I wish it tasted terrible and hated me."

That moment when you dip your cookie in milk for too long and half of it breaks off... I wonder why bad things happen to good people?

How to keep all the cookies to yourself

Local Man Paralysed After Eating 413 Chicken Nuggets So the limit is 412. Got it!

Egg salad is still chicken salad when you really think about it...

How I make a plate of cookies...

Boss: "The success of our marketing campaign around the Vegetable oil spread is amazing! What else can we come up with?" "Who knew beets could taste like burger?" "I guess you can make sausage with soy" "No One said this was Ham" "Holy Sh#t! That's Good Peanut Butter!"

Oh look! Enough gum to last about 20 minutes...

When Life gives you lemons, you should give the lemons back... Why were the lemons free? Is there something wrong with the lemons? I would be suspicious of free lemons...

I know it's not the message they were going for, but... Donuts are healthier than I thought...

This happens every time we go Mushroom hunting... That wasn't a microdose.

Fungi need as mushroom as possible to grow...

I am a Broccoli and I look like a tree! I am a walnut and I look like a brain! I am a mushroom and I HATE this game!!

What I think when someone says they want New York Style Pizza...

My wife: Don't fill up on bread, that's how they get you! Me: You mean, that's how they get YOU! I will bankrupt this Olive Garden!

Salt can't be the only delicious rock... I'm gonna to eat more rocks to find the good ones... I bet they're trying to keep them from us...

My wife says the salads I make tend to be on the dry side... It's definitely something that needs addressing...

Parmesan cheese is glitter for your spaghetti...

Even trees are better in Italy...

The best potato chip is Corduroy...

You can make french fries, chips, even Vodka out of potatoes... It's like the other vegetables aren't even trying...

Plant based Potatoes? You're kidding? What will they think of next?

It's hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature...

Therapist: "In 5 words or less, start a healthy debate without politics that the other person won't be mad about..." A pop-tart is just a breakfast ravioli... Are you serious?!... Can we just get a divorce?

Is Maple the only kind of tree with delicious blood or are there other ones?

My 3rd attempt at making a protein shake... What am I doing wrong?

If you put dry teabags in your shoes, they will absorb the odor, so that your shoes don't smell... But the tea tastes so bad after that it's almost not worth it...

MEANWHILE IN TOBLERONISTAN

Brilliant marketing 101... Create a fruity, colorful cereal that Rabbits can kiss my a$$ if they think they can have any...

Putting soup in a square bowl just isn't right... It shoud always be a circle bowl, which is the shape of soup...

Wife: Can you Save me some pizza? Me: Sorry honey, I think it's already been saved...

WHEN THE BISCUIT IS A LITTLE OVERBAKED

This is more attractive than most of the people I know

See you in hell, you dumba$$ fruit!

A SMALL TREAT ONE PIECE IS NEVER ENOUGH I REALLY SHOULDN'T OH GO ON THEN IF YOU INSIST MIGHT AS WELL FINISH IT

I asked for my coffee dark. But,

And just like that... My family never took the last cookie from me again...

And just like that... I was no longer allowed to shop for vegetables unsupervised...

Recipes should come with pictures of the mess you have to clean up after cooking...

How can anyone be allergic to peanut butter?! So pathetic... Anyway, the kid I babysit for is in the ER now...

Sausage puns are the wurst...

My parents fed me alphabet soup as a child, claiming I said I liked it... But they were just putting words in my mouth...

People who hate candy corn can't wait to tell you...

The inventor of carbonation: (drinks water) I wish this hurt!

You shouldn't be using a straw. I know, it's bad for the environment. No, it's just a weird way to eat spaghetti...

You can test your level of self-control by how many refills of chips and salsa you get at a Mexican restaurant...

Am I?... Am I about to fight these bagels?

I wish I had the confidence of a bay leaf... just strolling into every soup recipe I have ever read, doing absolutely nothing...

I love soup. You're telling me you hid little pieces of food in a bunch of water? I'll find it...

It might be just me, but the amount of cookies the Cookie Monster wastes with his b#ll$h#t chewing, really makes me mad...

The butt end of a banana should be called a bananus, just sayin...

Hamburger helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help...

Are there other nogs or do we just have this egg one?

I will now refer to any lemonade that doesn't have alcohol in it as "flaccid" lemonade...

My wife: We need to start eating better, I'll get out the salad bowls! Me: Ok, the bowl makes it healthy... I hear ya!

It's ok, I'm the good kind of fat (Takes hit off cigarette)... *punches avocado.

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower now...

I got kicked out of my coffee club today... Because I wore a tea shirt...

If you were addicted to cold turkey... I can only imagine you couldn't suddenly quit...

My color blind friend insists that apples are yellow... But I told him, that's just bananas...

My condolences to the Sesame street gang...

Microwaves should have a "Make butter room temperature without melting" button... We have the technology...

My wife is leaving me because she hates the herbs in my cooking... I hate to see Bae Leave...

Every body wants the Bagel to be "Everything", but did anyone think to ask what the bagel wants?

First stakeout... You seem disappointed? Me: (Hiding AI bottle) No, it's fine...

Inventor of Fish Sticks: These are great, but what should we name them? Guy who named the meatball: What shape are they?

Someone got lazy naming Grapefruits... There is already a grapefruit... It's called a grape... somebody messed up here...

I woke up with stir fry all over my sheets... I must have been sleep woking again...

Frozen yogurt places should switch to Mashed Potato bars in the winter...

First time at Panda Express... One Panda please!

Me: (looking sadly down at my orange chicken...) My wife: Oh get over it! I told you Panda Express was a restaurant! Not a train station run by Pandas!

Dumplings imply the existence of one large Dumple...

I wish they would stop labeling snacks, "Family Size"... It's starting to hurt my feelings...

Onion rings are just vegetable donuts...

I got myself an emotional support pet... It's a chicken and it came with a biscuit...

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